Productive things I've done today

as mundane and expected as they may be, but are still an achievement for me:

• ate breakfast 
• washed my face properly
•  confided about what I feel is a weakness to my supervisor
•  took all of my pills and supplements, not just the essentials
• made my bed for the first time in who knows how long
• finally put my clean laundry away
• did all the washing up
•  made myself eat a proper meal before going out

and now an waiting for my facemask to dry and then will shower.

Escapism

I came off my contraception about 3 months ago. I was taking it for acne vulgaris, but once the acne had been gone for about a year I decided it would be ok to come off it.

The first period I had was fine but the next two came with incredibly severe pms. Curled up in a ball crying wanting to hurt myself kind of severe.

When I saw the doctor last week I told her about it and she gave me a new contraceptive for the hormone imbalance, one that is safer to take long term. I quick-started it to avoid having to wait for my next period to take it and having to deal with the horrible pms again.

It's not fully kicked in yet though, so I'm still having the horrible feelings. These days it's not so much crying and wanting to hurt myself as just curling up and trying to run away from everything.

I gave my supervisor the short version if that when I emailed her to ask for the day off. I've been missing a fair bit of work lately (but some of that has been due to the engineer not showing up when he was supposed to), and I keep telling myself I'm gonna fix myself. Instead I sleep and watch tv.

I think I've fallen into the trap I used to fall into during therapy days - trying to escape everything instead of confronting and dealing. Also, the more sleep I give myself the more I'll want... But when I give myself less sleep I just become useless.

I need to get active again. I want to blame the cold, dark winter. And maybe it is partly that. Maybe it's just me being crap.

Alex Monroe

I was impulsively window shopping with a friend yesterday - it was so impulsive that I was out, got back to my home-station and through the ticket barriers when I got her message and went straight back on the tube!

She introduced me to a jewellery brand I had never heard of before - Alex Monroe.

And I am now smitten.

Her birthday is not long after Christmas, so she's planning on putting a piece of Alex Monroe jewellery on her Christmas/birthday list - a lovely idea, especially as her upcoming birthday is her 25th. She wants something timeless and classy that can be worn everyday and I think she's picked the right brand for it.

I'm now toying with the idea of getting one myself. Thing is, my family don't celebrate Christmas really. Although us siblings will buy things for each other, I doubt any of them want to fork out over £100 (!) for a necklace for me.

That being said, I won't be able to wear either of my normal "everyday" necklaces once I move to Japan. One is a collection of 3 silver pendants on a silver chain from perhaps my favourite Japanese jewellery brand, Lemontree (a heart-shaped key, an angel wing and a crown). The other was from my sister for my 23rd birthday, a matryoshka (Russian stacking doll - I love them) - gold and silver on a long gold chain, with a pink crystal for the mouth and the bottom of it (where the metal is silver) is covered in clear crystals.

Beautiful, signature, but not suitable for a conservative workplace.

And I am one of these people who has worn a necklace of some kind for so long that I can't not wear a necklace. I do have one which I wear for interviews - also bought in Japan - which is a short silver chain with a tiny silver engagement ring (with a moonstone, for my birth-month) and a tiny silver wedding ring with clear stones running along the band. My mother bought it for me when we first visited Japan.

But, if I did want/could justify an Alex Monroe necklace, I think these are the front runners (they all come in silver, which I am leaning towards since silver is my go-to metal for jewellery, but the gold is lovely...):

Apple with peridot stone

Goldcrest with a pink sapphire and pink topaz
Leaning more towards this cause I've always wanted a sapphire....

Strawberry with pink tourmaline

Teapot with brown sapphire "teadrop"
Again, leaning more towards this because of the sapphire

Pomegranate flower with fire opal, carnelian and pink tourmaline
I love the flower, but I don't like the stones so much...

Then I had a look at their rings. Last year I lost a ring that I had been wearing almost constantly since I was 12, and then the replacement disappeared too. Right now I wear a thumb ring to replace it, but I miss having a right-ring-finger ring, and, in my opinion, a thumb ring isn't as formal or "conservative" as a thumb ring (I say "conservative" since I have to keep that in mind for my new job in March since that is the dress code). I came across these two, because I like rings that are wide, none of these dainty tiny little bands for me!

Wide bark ring with Tsavorite
Never heard of Tsavorite!

Grassblade ring with blue topaz

If I had to narrow them down, I think I know which necklaces I'd prefer. Am wondering if I should wait til I get to Japan to buy my jewellery or not though - I know I love the jewellery in Japan, but once I leave, I want to only use the money I'm taking with me for necessities for the home or for experiences rather than things. I suppose my dad did ask me about a going-away present... and, if I had to be very harsh with myself, I do have that mini-ring necklace I could use as a conservative necklace...

So tired

Had a bit of a rough week, although my mid-week post didn't really highlight that cause it wasn't such a problem then.

I'm actually too tired to write properly, but I've had a really good day. I met my colleague's girlfriend this morning and we all went on a tour of a disused London Underground station - which was interesting - and then for lunch - which was yummy.

Then I ended up travelling back to my local station when I got a text from a friend saying she was going to do some window shopping for her Christmas wish list so I hopped back on the train and went back into central. Bought a nail varnish and then sat with a chai latte in Starbucks watching Grey's Anatomy on my Kindle Fire (yay!) until it was time to meet her.

Ended up buying an Yves Saint Laurent concealer cause apparently they're really good. Will see...!

Now am just curled up on the sofa with what looks like a ridiculously bad film on in the background and under my aviator throw until I can muster the energy to do some washing up and then might actually head to bed for an early night~

Finally...

My allowance came in, so I tried getting an Oasis dress I've had my eye on for a few months, but the one I went into didn't have my size. Might try getting it tomorrow.

To celebrate having some money for fun, I decided to use a supermarket recipe card to make a "New York Cheesecake". It's cooling in the oven now, before I can transfer it to the fridge to cool overnight.

Thing is, I don't have any containers big enough to take it into work.... I could just cover it in the tin it's in and take it all in as it is. Gonna be cumbersome though. I guess I could take in a few pieces tomorrow and a few pieces on Friday, but then it's not really fair if not everyone gets a piece at the same time... is it?

... if I can't find the dress tomorrow, should I order it online? I get 15% off in store but not online, even though they have it in my size online...

Saturday night...

And I'm at home sat up in bed studying cause it's cold and I have a Japanese exam tomorrow!

Not studied at all since I started my job... and cramming doesn't work for me but I'm trying to do it anyway... and I fell asleep for ages earlier cause I just couldn't keep my eyes open despite getting a lot of sleep last night...

So, I think I'm gonna fail. But studying right now is kind of making me want to actually study when the pressure is off, so that's a good thing at least, right?

Should probably eat a real meal soon, I just had 12 yummy biscuits which had thick slabs of chocolate on top to keep me going while studying. Not the healthiest thing to have had...

Here's hoping yesterday's duck/rice lunch is ok despite me forgetting to put it in the fridge overnight... :/

Such a numpty!

Things I want vs things I should be doing with my money...

Things I want:

• Hourglass Opaque Rouge Liquid Lipstick. Ideally two, in Raven (red) and Icon (purple-red)
• 4 dresses from Oasis. I don't want to buy all 4 (yet), but I at least want to try on all 4. And knowing my luck I won't buy any. I tried on 2 that had been on my wishlist for a long time at the weekend and they both looked really bad on me. Wrong tailoring for my shape.
• Clinique Chubby Stick Intense. Yes! Shortly after saying I wanted to get a red (and maybe more) in the normal, the intense shades came out! I really want the red. It's a lovely red. I only need a few more Boots points to get one for free... I think Mightiest Marachino is the shade I want.
• Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey. Black Honey is probably my favourite Clinique colour ever. Ever. I almost cried when I broke my Black Honey gradient blush palette on the bathroom floor (it shattered) because I waited too long to buy a replacement (trying to be a "good girl" and saving money) and couldn't find it anymore
• Karl Lagerfeld for Shu Uemura painting liner

Things I should be doing with my money:

• Replacing the money I took out of my savings when money was a bit tight last week.
• Adding more money to my savings
• Gradually buying things I need for Japan e.g. suits, smart tights, shirts, shoes, shoe polishing kit...

As you can see, with the purchase of 4 different MAC eye products over the last couple of months, I now want to indulge in beautiful autumn/winter lip colours. For me, autumn/winter make up colours are reds and purples. And now I want purple/red lips. Granted, I do already have some red and purple lipsticks, I guess I should make more of an effort to wear them. My Voluptuous Violet Chubby Stick is getting a lot of use these days - I feel like proper lipstick might be a bit too much for work...